THE MONACO GRAND PRIX F1 LIBRARY BY ROY HULSBERGEN

Anchoring in the Med

Humor, Jokes & Anecdotes

 


A totally coked F1


Someone got up too late

More Murray Walker quotes:

BTCC at Donington, Derek Warwick's Alfa hits a BBC camera - "He's broken our camera lens that'll be six grand please Derek"

"The two McLaren drivers are so hot they look like 2 fried lobsters in silver suits"

"First man out is Marques in the Arrows. Of course he's going out early to generate some media interest"
Martin - "I'm sure he would generate some interest if he went out in the Arrows because Marques drives for Minardi"

"Well he's world champion, and we only get one of those a year."

'and thats one of the mechanics using a feeler guage to measure the depth of tread in the slick'.

"They're now on lap 68, which means there's one, two, three, four, five laps to go before the end of the Hungarian Grand Prix" (hey, kids, learn to count withMurray.....)

'Nigel Mansell had a problem with the wheel-nut on his Williams, then he went on to win brilliantly for Ferrari!'

"This race will actually develop into a Grand prix"

"Andrea de Cesaris...the man who has won more Grands Prix than anyone else without actually winning one of them."

Murray: "And there are flames coming from the back of Prost's car as he enters the swimming pool."
James: "Well, that should put them out then."

"And Alesi spins there...spins out of the race, surely... "Yes!...NO! Alesi manages to keep the engine, does not stall, but of course he will have lost the place I think. No! he's kept the place"

"...the lead is now 6.9 seconds. In fact it's just under 7 seconds"

"Tambay's hopes , which were nil before, are absolutely zero now."

"You can't see a digital clock because there isn't one."

"This is an interesting circuit because it has inclines, and not just up, but down as well."

"Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is."

"This has been a great season for Nelson Piquet, as he is now known, and always has been"

"And the first five places are filled by five different cars."

An F1 car is made up of 80,000 components, if it were assembled 99.9% correctly, it would still start the race with 80 things wrong!

When an F1 driver hits the brakes on his car he experiences retardation or deceleration comparable to a regular car driving through a BRICK wall at 300kmph!

In a street course race like the Monaco Grand Prix, the downforce provides enough suction to lift manhole covers. Before the race all of the manhole covers on the streets have to be welded down to prevent this from happening!


The latest invention to get speeds down was presented here...

Let there be light, Webber jokes ahead of Singapore night F1.
"If the lights go out we're in trouble," he joked.

David Coulthard has apologised profusely after comparing McLaren's Juan Pablo Montoya to a chimpanzee,
following their incident during Qualifying for the British Grand Prix on Saturday.
"I deeply regret what I said at Silverstone," the Scot confessed this week, "and I hope that chimpanzees everywhere will forgive me."

Schumi and DC are in a desert. Evening comes, they set up their tent. Both go to sleep. DC wakes up in the middle of the night. Schumi isn't in the tent. He can hear something coming from outside the tent. DC peeps out and sees Schumi running around the tent like crazy, a big lion after him... DC: Run faster, he's gonna catch you! Schumi: Don't worry, I lead by three laps...

'Michael Schumachers wife says she doesn't want Turkey for Christmas this year, so he's going to buy her Denmark instead.

Q: Why does Schumi have 12 helmets?
A: Because his head gets bigger after every race


Testing F1 entry in China


Driver bike for urgent paddock transport...

Product:F1 Mouse Mat
Price: £260.00
Mouse mat - Black Carbon/Leather
Embossed F1 logo
Sweeping Curves detail
Embossed logo
Hand-made in England exclusively for Formula 1™ by specialist composite technicians who make Formula One monocoques, this carbon mouse mat was designed using state of the art automotive 3D modelling software. Features include: * Solid polished carbon fibre with inlaid leather mouse area
* Italian black suede backing
* Embossed in carbon with the F1 Formula 1 logo
* Carbon cured to 120º C at 100 psi
* Suitable for an optical or ball-operated mouse Packaging:
Wrapped in F1™ tissue paper and presented in a luxury matt black box subtly highlighted with the F1 Formula 1 logo.


Murray Walker Quotes in Monaco:

"It's raining and the track is wet"

"So Bernie [Ecclestone], in the seventeen years since you bought McLaren, which of your many achievements do you think was the most memorable ?" Bernie Answers, "Well I don't remember buying McLaren." [Bernie Ecclestone used to own the Brabham team].

"And there's the man in the green flag!"

"And the first five places are filled by five different cars."

"The Italian GP at Monaco..."

"Schumacher's appeal for ignoring the chequered flag is next Tuesday."

Murray: "And there are flames coming from the back of Prost's car as he enters the swimming pool."
James: "Well, that should put them out then."

"Alesi is in second place and Hill is in second place..."

"And here comes Berger, out of Tabac and into the swimming pool." -- Gerhard wasn't emulating Alberto Ascari, however, and carried on past the swimming pool!

And we have had 5 races so far this year, Brazil, Argentina, Imola, Schumacher and Monaco!

"And there's a dry line appearing in the tunnel" (pause while he realises what he's just said) "Obvious really as it has a roof"

"Now the Frenchman Jacques Lafitte is as close to Surer as Surer is to Lafitte"

[after Derek Warwick spun at Monaco ending up facing the wrong way...] "Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit, and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees I fail to see how he can avoid doing so."

"We're now on the 73rd lap and the next one will be the 74th."

"Mansell is slowing it down, taking it easy. Oh no he isn't! It's a lap record."

1990: "And Senna wins the 1999 Monaco Grand Prix"

'..and Damon Hill is following Damon Hill'

"And Damon Hill is going under the drier part of the Monaco circuit, that's of course because it's got a roof"

"And Olivier Panis justifiably wins such a well deserved Grand Prix" (in which Hill, Schumacker, Alesi, Berger and Villeneuve all came off and only 4 out of 20 drivers finished)

"And Panis is almost literally laughing his head of in that car."

"There goes Panis in the Prost. For years we knew them as Ligiers, because that is what they were called."

Murray: There's a car coming into the pits now, they're so unreliable with all those electronics on board.
James: Actually, Murray, one of his wheels has just fallen off!

'and thats one of the mechanics using a feeler gauge to measure the depth of tread in the slick'.

"and this is Ralf Schumacher the youngest driver in f1 at only 21 years old, and of course he is the son of twice world champion Michael!"

"The two McLaren drivers are so hot they look like 2 fried lobsters in silver suits"

(1982) "Patrese's going again. He's just gone past us but with no hope of catching Pironi, who goes into the tunnel for the last time ... IS THAT PIRONI STOPPING? IT IIIIIS! MY GOODNESS - THE THIRD LEADER IN TWO LAPS!"

1988: "There hasn't been a real crash in this race....BUT THERE IS ONE, BANG!, oh my goodness that's Phillipe Alliot"

2000: "And in front of David Coulthard, the scarlet McLaren of four-times Monaco Grand Prix winner, Michael Schumacher."

James: "Situations like this, Murray, sometimes give rise to the funniest little things. There's one portable toilet at the end of the pit-lane. Michael Schumacher decided immediately upon rejoining the grid he wanted to go to it. And shortly afterwards Mika Hakkinen and Ralf Schumacher arrived and had to stand in an orderly queue while Michael spent a penny, and they all came back out again."
Murray: "So the Germans got to the loo first of all."

Murray: "And another one of these gravell traps are n't slowing anybody down"
Martin: "That's because there aren't any there Murray!"

"Sunshine by the truckload, glamorous women by the regiment, Grand Prix racing's most charismatic location - that is Formula 1 Monte Carlo style."
"A black, black race for the grey and black McLaren team."

"There are 7 winners of the Monaco grand prix on the starting line today and four of them are Michael Schumacher"

2001: "So this being Michael Schumacher's 10th race in his 151st year in F1"

"And Michael Schumacher is 37 seconds ahead, so he can refuel the car, change all four wheels, take off his helmet, have a smoke and a cup of tea, and rejoin in first."

Murray (To Damon Hil): When did you realise that you had a puncture, Damon?
Damon Hill: When my tyre went down, Murray!


No indicators: 100$, No mudguards 100$, no brake light 100$,
no claxon 100$, speeding 1000$. A nice Sunday outing; priceless.


The Ferrari formula one team recently fired their whole pit team to employ a few young hoodlums. This sudden reaction was due to a documentary about how some young street punks could take off a cars tires within 6 seconds, without the proper equipment.
Ferrari soon realised their flaw.
The young men did not only change the tires in 6 seconds but 12 seconds later the car was re-sprayed and sold to the MacClaren team!

Q: Why did TWA 800 explode and crash shortly after takeoff?
A: It was fitted with Ferrari engines.


As from 2020 Formula 1 has to be green!

YOU MIGHT BE A RACER IF ...

  • You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
  • You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.
  • You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.
  • When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
  • You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
  • You bought a race car before buying a house.
  • You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
  • You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!
  • The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
    1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
    2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
    3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
    4) A grease pit.
    5) Deaf neighbors.
    6) Some sort of house with a working toilet & shower on the property - or - hookups for the motor home.
  • You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
  • You have enough spare parts to build another car.
  • More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.
  • You think the last line of the Star Spangled banner is: "Racers start your engines!"
  • People know you by your class, car number, and car color.
  • You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.
  • Your family brings the couch into the garage to spend time with you.
  • A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
  • You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work.
  • You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better.
  • You've tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.
  • You save broken car parts as "momentous".
  • You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).
  • The local police and state highway patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.
  • Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips.
  • You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.
  • After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why...is there a race there?"
  • You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart.
  • You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop.
  • You want to take apart and rebuild things, even though they are not broken.
  • You have the monetary equivalent of a lunar rocket invested in it, but your car still won't cut a good light or run the number.
  • You own a vehicle that has at least 500 horsepower more than when it came out of Detroit.
  • You look for hi-po cars in the movies and try to guess what engine size, tire size, and whether or not it has nitrous in it.
  • You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes.
  • Every stoplight becomes a practice tree to test your ability to tree the guy in the other lane's eyes out.
  • You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it's your family, then you drive it like you stole it.
  • You understand racing is a way of life, not just a means of transportation.


Monaco Ste-Devote safety cow chased by bronze Williams Bugatti


How to keep the Iceman fresh...

 


And the winner is probably a Ferrari


Wot's Bernie checking out?

Microsoft MES has been selected as the official ECU supplier to the FIA Formula One World Championship in 2008, 2009 and 2010, is sure to cause some smiles...

I don't know how Ferrari is going to fit the extra 3 buttons on their steering wheel - you know: <ctrl> <alt> <del>

* motorsport is a very dangerous sport, are you sure that you want to continue?


Press ctrl + alt + F1 to continue

ALERT!: "You have turned the steering wheel, Microsoft requires you to restart the car for changes to take effect".

"Sato's excuse for causing the 12-car shunt was his Microsoft engine ECU, which Taku claims shut down mid-corner due to a bug in Microsoft's "Quality Assurance" software. Microsoft's QA erroneously tagged the Honda powerplant as using a pirated version of Windows, and in the absence of a live internet link to verify, the engine ECU was given a Blue Screen of Death".

Now, in addition to fuel and tire strategies, we'll all be sitting on the edge of our seats while the crew chiefs calculate how many stints they can go without stopping for an ECU reboot. Not to mention how easy it will be for Ferrari or Red Bull to get on-line, and hack Renault's ECU's and limit them to 7,500 rpm.

The contract should have gone to Apple. That way, we get a reliable engine ECU, and Fernando, Michael, and Kimi can listen to their favorite tunes, or even watch videos, while their completing their required laps.

During the pitstop, the ECU will ask: New hardware found. Search for the driver automaticaly or would like to install new drivers manually?

The term installation lap takes on a new meaning. Now it shall be followed by the re-boot lap, the re-install lap and once more by a re-boot lap before the car can go out for a proper run.

Rather than a "Finn who can hack driving the car", McLaren will need a "Finn who can drive hacking the car". Linus Torvalds marks his 2008 debut by coming first AND second in all the races.


The new 'green' 2010 tire heater


Jack Brabham and Bruce McLaren karting...(some months ago)




Honda F1 with special Dumbo Ears (fly like a ...........)


Power drinks for cool driver...

Overheard:
Stirling Moss to Colin Chapman: "Colin could I get a new set of tyres, it is nearly two seasons I'm using the same ones and the thread is beginning to show".


Haven't I got enough mirrors now? No we install just one more.


Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill Gate's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. For some reason you would simply accept this.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
11. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
12. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
13. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker - a first.
14. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
15. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.
16. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.


Messy Deuce


Formula 1 lawnmower


Recollections from Claude Fin (ex Race Director of A.C.M.)

The 1967 edition of the Grand Prix:
The Chief of Security (also the Chief of the Monaco Fire brigade) comes to see me and says:
“You must be happy, there has been no accident.”
“Please don’t say things like that before the end of the race”...
Next lap: Bandini has his tragic accident!
--
A helicopter pilot comes to see me
“I would like you to have a boat moved, it’s in my way”.
“OK “ I say “which one?”
“The large sail boat on the jetty on the Monte-Carlo side”. “No problem what about the others next to it?”
“Oh it’s OK those don’t bother me, I’ll fly between the masts!”.
--
Often during Grand Prix exclusive cars were brought to be used by the officials. Claude Fin a tall gentleman (1,90m (6ft)) was given a Lamborghini Miura. Half way into the car, he got stuck, and it required quite an assistance to be pulled out.
A large limousine was then brought for him.
--
One day walking into the Automobile Club.
I notice the glum smiles on the secretaries and my colleagues faces.
“There is a woman waiting for you in your office” I am told. As I enter my office I see a dream creature, beautiful and... stark naked, except for a fishnet dress, that left nothing to the imagination, and a string as underwear.
She presents herself as a doctor and tells me  “I would like to study the heart beat of the drivers”... “But you’re going to kill my drivers dressed like that!!!”
--
John Frankenheimer came to see me, when he was making his movie “Grand Prix” (where in fact Fangio made his debut in the movies).
“Could you organise a car for me please, to do one lap just before the start of the Grand Prix. I would like to get the excitement of the public for the race”. “No problem”, I say. I have a car prepared and he does his lap of the circuit. However the film in the camera got stuck!
--
During the Mille Mille race, Chiron was desperate to release his bladder and thought “fortunately we are arriving in Rome!”...
Except that they arrived on the main square of Rome surrounded by thousands of spectators...
He just had to wait a bit longer!!!
When asked how he solved his problem, he replied that they use little ribbons that ties around their private parts...
---
Whenever attending a race, Chiron would drive his Bugatti from the factory to the circuit and when the race was over, he would drive the car back to the factory.
--
Sometimes Chiron had crazy ideas: for the rally of Monte-Carlo he insisted that for the night of the Turini special, all the cars go three times through the city of Monaco.
He added: “Yes and we’ll have some tents along the streets serving hot coco, and viandox... an idea that luckily never was realised.
--
Just before the race I always made a lap of the circuit  with a flag to check that everything was clear.
And back a the starting line I would hand the flag to Chiron, who would then start the race.
One day, as usual I did my lap at a fairly fast pace accompanied by an assistant who held the flag.
Suddenly I hear engine noise.
I say to my assistant: “Incredible how far the wind carries sound, we are at the Portier and we can still hear the engines of the cars at the starting line”
“yes he says that’s strange”.
I look in my rear view mirror and see a fat tire sticking out of my boot.
I look in my side mirror and I see another fat tire.
“Nom de Dieu! He let them go! They are right behind us!
I put my lights on. The race cars stayed behind.
At the Bureau de Tabac I indicated that I would park on the right side and 25 unleashed racing machines roared past us! Cold sweat!


Monte-Carlo Hermitage line-up; Lambo's with the golden cow.

Recollections from Alfred Neubauer (Team manager of Mercedes Benz)
At the beginning of the 1939 season in Monza all drivers, mechanics and engineers were on the track or in the stands from morning to night. We were looking for a cook to prepare lunch.
Senior Ricordi of Auto Union was proposed as: ”he does not speak a word of German but knows how to cook spaghettis and raviolis the italian way”.
Neubauer: ”I was excited in anticipation not realising what coucou egg I was getting. I was to discover much later that the so called cook was in fact a mechanic and was a chauffeur for the Vatican and spoke perfect German.
Whilst we were eating, discussing all the technical defects of our cars, he had his ears wide open. And each day a detailed report was sent to Auto Union. No wonder they were well aware of  the qualities and defects of our car”.
--
Bernd Rosemeyer:
”Once we were all installed in the Uaddan Hotel where doors opened automatically by pressing a button.
Hans and Paula Stuck were getting ready for bed. Their terrier dog was just installed in the bed when he jumped up howling and went to hide in a corner of the room. Hans and Paula thought the dog had a sunstroke.
Until Hans noticed two wires hanging from the mattress of the bed.
He followed the wires to the window and found on the balcony of the adjoining room Bernd Rosemeyer with an electric battery in his hands which was sending electrical shocks to the bed.
Bernd burst into laughter.”
--
Joke done to Neubauer:
”One evening when I was departing from a reception at the Governor’s home in Tripoli, the engine of my car started but the car would not move an inch.
Swearing heavily and feeling under the weather, I went to my hotel by foot.
The following morning I sent a mechanic to pick up my car who found that the rear axle had been placed on a stone in such a way that the wheels did not touch the ground.
The smile on Stuck’s face gave him away.”
--
”All team directors know that a car can be as bad tempered as their driver: some needed special thick oil as thick as rubber that had to be heated in a frying pan part of the night, before it could be poured in the gearbox”
--
”Dick Seaman was allergic to number 13: He was driving car n° 26 (13x2) actually crashed at kilometre 13 of the circuit, was staying in room 39 (3x13) and died on 26th June 1939”
--
In 1934 Ernst Henne attempted to beat the World speed record, Alfred Neubauer recalls: The morning of the attempt while finishing breakfast, I was stunned, when another person joined us.
It was Rudy Caracciola.
”where on earth do you come from?” I ask, ”straight from Lugano to look at this record attempt.”
”Why the white overalls?” Rudi shrugged: ”I always use to dress for such special occasions. And anyway you might need a second driver!”
Henne answers dryly: ”it does not seem likely, I am the driver and I am racing”.
Henne did three attempts that day. prematurely aborted by various mechanical problems, Henne gives up. Having had enough, offers the car to Caracciola.
Caracciola drove faster that day than any body had ever done and achieved the 190 miles limit.
--
In 1934 at the International race at the Nürburgring, on the eve of the race the new Daimler Benz weighed 751kg, one kilo over the weight limit of 750kg.
Nothing could be removed from the car as only the strict necessary was kept for the race. A remark thrown by von Brauchitsch gives me a sudden inspiration. We spent the whole night removing the white paint. And lost the kilo. Then the 'Silberpfeile' was born.
--
Caracciola’s earnings in 1931:  DM180,000
Equivalence of today  DM 100,000,000.- or 50 million Eu.
--
Varzi and Nuvolari at Alfa Romeo.
Varzi’s jealousy towards Nuvolari made him carry out crazy things. For example:
Varzi used one of the best taylor's in Milan, Senior Rossini, to have light blue overalls made specially for him from the best english cloth.
They cost him 3000 Lires.
Varzi paid 4000 on the condition that a similar suit would not be sold to Nuvolari.
A week later Varzi arrived at Monza in his new suit and while getting into his car sees something that freezes him to the bones. Nuvolari wearing exactly the same overalls. Exasperated, Varzi asks him where he bought the suit and Nuvolari answers “Rossini and I actually paid 8000 lires for the same suit.”


When petrol gets more expensive

don